HOME FUNERAL GUIDE

JOURNEY JOURNAL... Cape Cod, Massachusetts

HELPING HANDS

It’s not a cemetery with physical vestiges beneath the ground, but, more conspicuously, a room filled with hands.  The room is in a house on Cape Cod, situated in a picturesque West Falmouth neighborhood. 

The hands are not grotesque.  Rather, they are meaningful symbols representative of the principles and practices of Heather Massey, a home funeral guide and educator.  In fact, the name of her education and consulting services, “In Loving Hands,” sums up the basis of her hands-on ministrations – lovingly guiding families who want to learn about caring for their own life companions upon death.  

A massage table that’s the central feature of her training room is used for demonstrations, but has also been occupied by individuals for whom she provides integrative massage therapy.  Her bodywork practice incorporates various physical approaches coupled with subtle energy elements and verbal components.     

The diverse sorts of hands in this room are captivating, compelling curious exploration.  They decorate the environs in all shapes and sizes, lining the walls on bookshelves and colorfully accenting the windowsill.  A  large one that’s configured as an abbreviated chair even implores an onlooker to come and have a seat.  Through the years, the collection of hands has grown, thanks in part to contributions of others who know about it.  

Festooning the wall are varieties accented with a heart in the open palm of each hand.  Different cultures assign their own meaning to the combination.  In Shaker tradition, as a nod to its founder, it represents the ideology of a simple life of hard work and spirituality, putting one’s hands to work and hearts to God.  The Amish have a similar interpretation, regarding it also as a symbol of welcoming and friendship. Among others, it overtly implies healing by means of caring hands.

The most inclusive interpretation may simply be the symbolism of an open hand as a signal that “I am here for you.”  Those simple words encapsulate the attitude motivating the physical and educational provisions of Heather's “In Loving Hands” focus, reflecting “service with love and integrity.”  

Heather Massey contact:  inlovinghandshomefunerals@gmail.com, 508-457-1612

HOME FUNERAL GUIDE

JOURNEY JOURNAL... Cape Cod, Massachusetts

HELPING HANDS

It’s not a cemetery with physical vestiges beneath the ground, but, more conspicuously, a room filled with hands.  The room is in a house on Cape Cod, situated in a picturesque West Falmouth neighborhood.

The hands are not grotesque.  Rather, they are meaningful symbols representative of the principles and practices of Heather Massey, a home funeral guide and educator.  In fact, the name of her education and consulting services, “In Loving Hands,” sums up the basis of her hands-on ministrations – lovingly guiding families who want to learn about caring for their own life companions upon death. 

A massage table that’s the central feature of her training room is used for demonstrations, but has also been occupied by individuals for whom she provides integrative massage therapy.  Her bodywork practice incorporates various physical approaches coupled with subtle energy elements and verbal components.     

The diverse sorts of hands in this room are captivating, compelling curious exploration.  They decorate the environs in all shapes and sizes, lining the walls on bookshelves and colorfully accenting the windowsill.  One that’s configured as an abbreviated chair even implores an onlooker to come and have a seat.  Through the years, the collection of hands has grown, thanks in part to contributions of others who know about it. 

Festooning the wall are varieties accented with a heart in the open palm of each hand.  Different cultures assign their own meaning to the combination.  In Shaker tradition, as a nod to its founder, it represents the ideology of a simple life of hard work and spirituality, putting one’s hands to work and hearts to God.  The Amish have a similar interpretation, regarding it also as a symbol of welcoming and friendship.  Among others, it overtly implies healing by means of caring hands.

The most inclusive interpretation may simply be the symbolism of an open hand as a signal that “I am here for you.”  Those simple words encapsulate the attitude motivating the physical and educational provisions of Heather's “In Loving Hands” focus, reflecting “service with love and integrity.” 

TISSUE BANK WITH BIO-SKILLS LAB

JOURNEY JOURNAL... Cumberland, Rhode Island

"PART-ING GIFTS"

Recently, a woman announced definitively that she was going to be an organ donor when she died.  Her assuredness contradicted reality, as circumstances of death must mesh with stringent parameters in order for transplants to happen.  In spite of good intentions, often transfers of innards to living recipients are not possible.  Of course, there won’t be any utterance of “Darn, I am so disappointed!” coming from her if the potential donor is deemed an unsuitable candidate.  But family members may feel sorely deflated, knowing that this woman had been hell-bent on having her internal leftovers benefit others’ lives. 

Organ and tissue transplants have evolved during the past century to the point where they are in the forefront of people’s minds in connection with death and dying.  Perhaps folks are less apt to consider the alternative avenue for a whole body donation to support research, education, and skill enhancement.  But think of the multitude of scientists, practitioners, technical innovators, students, and varied personnel whose work relates to health and quality of human life.  Their best teachers are apt to be the decedents who contributed their physical substance for the enhancement of personal proficiency and societal progress.     

Within its national network of five tissue banks in different regions of the country, MedCure – a whole body donation program founded in 2005 – provides unembalmed (frozen), non-transplantable organs and tissues to medical research and education providers around the world.  

There is no cost to the family, as long as the organization is contacted after death occurs instead of a random funeral home.  Its personnel manage every detail, including transportation from the place of death to the closest MedCure facility via arrangements with one of their contracted funeral homes.  Acquisition of the standard death certificate and disposition permit is part of the process.

Tucked inconspicuously behind one of many corporate enterprises lining a long road in Cumberland, Rhode Island, an ordinary building belies the extraordinary operations underway inside it. Besides serving as a collection center for distribution of physical elements, this particular site is also a place of learning… a facility where surgical skills are honed and educational lab experiences are conducted, thanks to donor contributions of whole bodies. 

Even high school students can be exposed in this manner to the intricacies of the human body, sometimes engendering an inclination toward health-related vocational pursuits or even enlightenment that changes deleterious personal practices such as smoking. 

The environment here is modern and spacious, with state-of-the-art technology and knowledgeable staff. 

Lab managers are certified as tissue specialists capable of preparing, managing, and monitoring specimens in addition to assisting with procedures.  A 2500 square-foot laboratory space with fifteen surgical stations mimics operating room milieus, featuring lights equipped with video cameras that relay procedural details to learners situated in nearby auditorium spaces that accommodate up to one hundred observers. 

Computer stations and a locker room offer additional amenities for visiting bio-skills participants.

When hunger strikes, a large room connected to a small kitchen is the place where catered meals are provided.

Bodily donations can be accepted from all continental states, with the exception of New Jersey and Minnesota. There are no age restrictions. Some, but not many, disease conditions would render specimens unusable.  The more likely exclusions include HIV/AIDS, hepatitis B or C, a history of intravenous drug use, incarceration or institutionalization, and severe under- or overweight.  Anyone with terminal cancer can be pre-screened to determine eligibility.  So this type of donation can be an alternative to medical school donations, which may be more restrictive.

A circulating truck makes the rounds between headquarters in Portland, OR and the sites in Henderson, NV, Orlando, FL, St. Louis, MO, and Cumberland, RI to pick up and deliver the precious resources.  Besides the facility in Rhode Island, the ones in Oregon and Nevada also have bioskills labs on site. 

Every specimen is tested and must meet defined criteria before being distributed.  At time of death a matching process follows a review of the donor’s medical status to pair the bodily components with the most appropriate educational or research applications. Later, the family can be apprised of the ways in which use of the donated body were implemented. 

When a decision to donate is declared prior to death, donation forms are accompanied by a request for health and social histories, including medical records. 

A specimen for training purposes is used only once, followed by cremation as soon as possible – typically, within six to twelve weeks.  Family members have appreciated the container provided for the cremated remains, which is a heart-shaped box. 

So even if organ transplants into living bodies is preferred as a way to utilize physical residuals, consider a backup “Plan B” as a contribution to a body of knowledge.  

GRIEF CENTER: THE CHILDREN'S ROOM

Journey Journal... Arlington, Massachusetts

HOPE LIVES HERE

Where is there calm during the storm, amid the swirling sea of emotions and turbulent upheaval of a child submerged in the heartache of loss?  Where is there rehabilitation for young souls broken by the incomprehensible impact of a loved one’s death?

It happens in a cheerfully appointed yellow house.  Although The Children’s Room originally began as a room for this purpose, nowadays it comprises multiple rooms within a yellow-painted, vintage house on Massachusetts Avenue in the Boston suburb of Arlington.  This non-profit organization provides grief support for children and teens between the ages of three and eighteen, along with their families.    

Here, festering thoughts and feelings are released from imprisonment of silent rumination… where they can be safely verbalized and acknowledged… where non-verbal vehicles of expression permit their articulation and conveyance… where mindful clarity promotes healing.

Here, uncharted minds wandering aimlessly and alone in foreign territory are given a voice… to acquire a sense of direction for getting back on course… to learn the language of orientation in a transformed and bewildering environment… to gain stability within unfamiliar districts of an unforeseen destination.

This is where a legion of community thrives… where flourishing connections displace isolation… where perspectives are shared among others similarly thrust into a chasm of the ultimate deprivation… among those whose life ties have been severed by mortal endings… brought together in a milieu where disengagement due to vanished familial kinships yields to a fortifying convergence of kindred spirits.

This is where the agitation of death surrenders to peace.

The nature of the building in which this facility functions imparts a homey atmosphere. A first-floor gathering room invites relaxation.  Family members congregate here before children separate for age-appropriate activities upstairs.  Meanwhile, parents remain downstairs for engagement in support groups. 

     

A reading nook adjacent to the front door is equipped with resources. 

Upstairs, floor pillows in circular arrangements set the stage for verbal communication and interactive exercises among young participants.  A Tibetan Singing Bowl is a central feature, used during group sessions as a signal to mark beginnings and endings.  Sound from the vibrating rim of the bowl fades gradually, invoking an aura of quiet relaxation. 

Trained professionals on staff implement targeted activities designed to stimulate expressions among participants. Methods of art, music, play, and poetry are among the tools employed to encourage exploration of feelings, acknowledgement of grief, sharing of memories, and attention to personal needs.

As one of the simplest signature items of childhood paraphernalia, a ball is accoutered with words to evoke responses.  Each time it is tossed to someone, the recipient answers the question or completes the sentence written on the spots touched by one’s fingertips.   

Perceived desertion predictably may invoke feelings of frustration, anger, and aggressive impulses.  Such reactions can be safely channeled in a padded room dominated by a dangling punching bag. 

Reposing in a corner, a non-judgmental teddy bear watches the action, primed and ready for hugging at any time. 

Activities vary according to their relevance for particular age groups.  A group of young children may tap a treasure trove of outfits for fantasy dressing up or may act out scenarios within the confines of a dollhouse.  In typically adolescent style, teens can hang out on the third-floor, uppermost attic region of the house, away from intrusions of more juvenile influences. 

Relevantly created words on cards are situated under a transparent overlay on a game table. 

Artistic expressions are a pivotal part of healing initiatives in this setting.  A room designated for such pursuits is well appointed with supplies.

Some pieces, individually constructed, become part of a collective project.

Even outdoors, tokens of loving memory adorn the property.

Scheduled tours of the building occur monthly in addition to arranged group visits.  Fee-based workshops and topic-specific training sessions are available for professionals, as are individual consultations to address a particular child’s or family’s needs.  The focus of an eight-week Parent Education Series deals with coping strategies for folks raising children while grieving.  Individual family (adult) consultations can be arranged, too.  An internship program enables undergraduate and graduate students to delve into the practical realities of facilitating grief support programs.

Though primary objectives are fulfilled on the premises, services also are provided beyond the boundaries of this building.  Community presentations coupled with newspaper publications raise awareness.  Through visits and phone contacts, information about resources and referrals is relayed to teachers and counselors who work with grieving children.  Literature suggestions are noted on The Children’s Room website, as well as a regular newsletter.  An annual three-mile  “Memories Walk” engages participants who wear a T-shirt with the name of the personally significant loved one on the back of it; afterwards, there is a program with food and entertainment.    

Collegial interaction at The Children’s Room is based on a model of peer support.  Community volunteers provide a foundation of manpower as facilitators of support group sessions.  They are prepared through a fee-based, six-week program of training, after which they may be selected and assigned to a group that is under the supervision of a staff member.    

Volunteer opportunities extend beyond such core commitments, though. Individuals can contribute labor for a few hours during regularly scheduled Garden Volunteer Days, when the progressively developing landscape of their “Hope Grows Here” garden is tended.  People may also be in a position to spread the word about the organization in public settings.

Fundraisers offer other options, as well, either by groups or through individual involvement.  Bolstered by contributions, a cadre of staff members (as a “Miles and Memories Marathon Team) participates as runners in the Boston Marathon, each in memory of someone personally significant.  Tribute and memorial gifting can be a meaningful gesture for financial support.  Cars may be donated via the Donate For Charity website, identifying this venture as the chosen recipient of proceeds.   

Monetary and material support is critical for operations.  Primary services are provided at no cost, so reliance on contributions and supplemental sources of income is essential.  Two thirds of income is generated by individual donations, complemented by funding for the additional third from foundations and corporations.

Certain types of tangible contributions are welcomed, as well.  Businesses’ gift cards for food and household necessities are among them, as are art supplies, blank journals, and relevant library books. 

Families tend to continue in the program as recipients of support for one to three years.  After that, parents may maintain connections through the facility’s Parents Alumni Group.  Sometimes the young people get on board again, especially as teen volunteers.    

This place… this beacon of hope inspired by experiences of death, resonates with vigor.  It is alive with color, works of art, cozy appointments, and flowering garden beds outdoors.  Staffed by a cadre of professional bereavement specialists, it bespeaks possibilities… for comforting support, personal growth, and acclimation to loss.  It is an impressive way to address depressing circumstances of youthful bereavement, engendering restoration of health and happiness. 

SOUTH WELLFLEET CEMETERY

JOURNEY JOURNAL... Cape Cod, Massachusetts

SIGNS OF TIMES GONE 'BYE

Lacking prominence in spite of occupying prime real estate, a necropolis of old bones is situated in South Wellfleet along Cape Cod’s main thoroughfare traversing the cape’s upper peninsula.  The South Wellfleet Cemetery, interposed between waters of the Atlantic Ocean and Cape Cod Bay, harbors remains of people who lived during the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries.  Unabashedly old, it has weathered the forces of nature in spite of geographical and meteorological relations with the sea.  The graveyard has remained active in terms of continuing to shelter its denizens of death throughout subsequent years and in the present. 

Gravesites here bespeak heterogeneity.  Vestiges of traditional yore mingle with a contemporary trend toward natural practices.  The proprietor of the property promotes burials without liners or vaults.  

In some areas, grass has been restrained in a nod to common cemetery protocol. 

But just as noticeable are the sections dressed only in brambles and bushes au naturel.  

                       

                       

Today’s contemporary model of groomed expansiveness has been spurned in favor of nakedly unpolished exposure. 

Old headstones are cloaked in raiment of colorful lichens, manifesting the union of living elements spurred by Mother Nature.  

These slow-growing plants are composite organisms that grow together in a symbiotic relationship with fungi.  Though some reproduce asexually, many require sexual coupling characteristic of fungi producing spores.  Their habitat in some cases is an unlikely one for plants, allowing them to thrive on bare rocks, barren soil, and man-made structures such as walls, roofs, and monuments.  Growth typically produces crust-like or leaf-like formations in branching patterns. 

Lichen colors vary, and may be green, black, gray, yellow, red, orange, brown, or blue.  Here, as brightly prominent facets of memorial stones, they readily draw attention.  Of course, whether their conspicuousness is interpreted as blight or beauty is in eye of the beholder. 

Perhaps the most penetrating awareness prompted by visiting this graveyard is a reminder that infirmity and physical defenselessness snuffed out existence at much younger ages in centuries immediately preceding the current one.  Often, birth and death dates on the memorial stones denote profoundly abbreviated life spans.  Though there is evidence of one individual buried in 1897 at the ripe old age of eighty-four, many adults succumbed to early deaths and multiple gravesites identify the demise of young children struck down by ravages of untamed diseases. 

Here, amid solitude uninterrupted by human meanderings, a mindful appreciation for the evolution of medical and technological advances breaks the silence of inattention.  In this uncultivated territory remotely distant from the cacophony of mainland liveliness, one’s spirit is refreshed by a startling affirmation of progress toward longevity that has enriched life in the twenty-first century.    

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CREATE A GREAT FUNERAL DAY

A GIFT-GIVING HOLIDAY

An article written by Gail Rubin, an end-of-life pre-planning advocate and educator, highlights a particular October 30^th holiday established in 1999 by Stephanie West Allen.  Having witnessed the difficulties her own relatives faced upon the death of individuals who had not declared funerary preferences, she conceived this annual occasion to emphasize the wisdom of addressing – while alive – the practicalities and life celebration aspects of death management.

As Allen noted, “The people who are left behind are so grateful to have this already done.”  It is a gift to family members.  When they know they are following through on their loved one’s wishes, the proceedings can be so much more meaningful for them.

Reference is made to the “Terror Management Theory” within the realm of social psychology.  This postulate suggests that all human behavior is governed by one’s realization that death is inevitable in spite of a desire to live, thereby generating a uniquely human conflict that produces terror.  Does this explain why people generally exhibit a disinclination to examine matters of death and plan in advance for it? 

Can the glaring societal avoidance syndrome be remedied by courageously confronting and exploring what Gail Rubin notes as “mortality salience,” a term that defines awareness of one’s own eventual demise?  She identifies the value of Create A Great Funeral Day in that it “prompts us to be mindful and self-aware, to plan reflectively in advance, rather than in reaction after someone dies.” 

In the absence of pre-planning, funeral affairs may be perfunctory and as flat as a bottle of soda without any fizz.  Allen refers to the “rent-a-minister” approach whereby the speaker may describe elements of the decedent’s life in spite of never having known him, or deliver standard theological oratory that’s contrary to that person’s (and the guests’) tenets.    

Because of its special designation in the context of pre-planning, October 30^th affords an opportunity to pause and contemplate funerary choices along with aspects of one’s life considered worth remembering. It is a day for pondering and a day for action.  It is a day to become proactive, take the bull by the horn, and declare in some form your own personal preferences.  It is a way to avoid what Allen has dubbed “a facelift funeral,” the unfortunate consequence of going through the motions without answering the emotional needs of mourners. Such a “cookie cutter” approach neglects incorporating personalized elements that render positive experiences for the living and a sense of continued connection with the beloved individuals who have died.      

So this year when you rise and shine on October 30^th, consider rising to the occasion and initiating a new venture.  Be amazed by the plethora of options – many of which are unique and intriguing – for choosing courses of actions and recording them on paper or via a computer file.  Find out how exploration and decision making for life’s last milestone can be surprisingly enjoyable. Think of all you’ve contributing to the welfare of your family and add this to the list.  During the remainder of your lifetime, revisit your preference record of choices each year when this holiday rolls around, make changes according to your current outlook, realize that you have composed a wonderful gift for your family, and revel in the fact that you are prepared!

 Avoid a “Facelift Funeral” with Create a Great Funeral Day, 
by Gail Rubin

                                                A Good Goodbye Blog Article

BURIALS IN CARS

A CUSTOMIZED REPOSE

Sometimes a person has been so attached to his car that it makes sense to incorporate it as a personalized element in funeral proceedings.  It might be as simple as including it in a procession to the grave.  But, on the other hand, it could become a storied aspect of an extraordinary life wrap-up:

In 1994, according to seventy-one-year-old George Swanson’s request, his cremated remains were placed in the driver’s seat and buried in his prized sports car, a white 1984 Corvette.  It occurred in Pennsylvania’s Brush Creek Cemetery, twenty-five miles east of Pittsburgh, where he had purchased twelve plots for this purpose.   A crane lowered the car into a seven-by-seven, sixteen-foot grave.  A lap quilt made by a group from Swanson’s church was in the vehicle, along with a love note from his wife.  An Engelbert Humperdinck tape in the cassette deck, with the song, “Release Me,” had been cued up and ready to play.  The license plate read “HI-PAL,” which was Swanson’s typical greeting when he didn’t remember someone’s name.  A headstone with an etching of a Corvette marks the spot. What an example of a customized funeral proceeding!

Other pre-planners have eschewed the piecemeal approach and, instead, have opted for a more overt physical presence within their prized chariots. 

At the Alamo Masonic Cemetery in San Antonio, Texas, a casual meanderer on its property wouldn’t necessarily know about a car that is sequestered in the ground underneath a simple grave marker.  In 1977 Sandra Ilene West, a Beverly Hills socialite and young widow of a Texas oil millionaire, died at the age of thirty-eight.  She had left specific directions for her brother-in-law, Sol West, to handle arrangements assuring that her body would be buried in her 1964 powder blue Ferrari 330 America.  Though adamantly disinclined to comply with her wish, Sol eventually was compelled to make it happen, in accordance with legal mandates and Sandra’s will that stated he would receive over two million dollars if the request was realized, but only ten thousand dollars if not.  The old English proverb, "where there's a will, there's a way" certainly applied in this case!  Sandra had dictated her attire, so she was dressed in a lacy nightgown, and she wanted the seat in which she was placed to be at a “comfortable” angle.  The car with the woman’s body behind the wheel was encased in a six-by-eight-by-seventeen-foot box and transported to the gravesite on a flatbed truck.  After placement in the nine-foot-deep grave, the hefty underground mass of wood, steel, and concrete was covered, thereby restoring the ground surface to a conventional appearance.  Passersby are none the wiser!   

More recently, in 2009, Lonnie Holloway, from Saluda, South Carolina who had died at the age of 90, got his wish in absentia... well, not really!  Friends said he had always insisted on being buried in his 1973 Pontiac Catalina, next to his wife’s body.  After a traditional church service and in a traditional cemetery, many folks gathered at the gravesite where an unusually large plot was in readiness. A wrecker with a crane lowered the car, supported by four straps, and positioned it in the grave. Inside was the occupant, sitting upright behind the wheel, bedecked in his hat and sunglasses, headed for his final destination.  All of the man’s guns had been placed in the car, as he had requested; he wanted to take them with him so they wouldn’t get into the wrong hands.  The owner of the wrecker had been contacted by the funeral home a year before Holloway’s death to prepare for this strikingly atypical burial, which allowed the man to be laid to rest with the two features of his life he had loved the most – his wife and his car.

So, given these instances, maybe one should think twice before uttering the commonplace saying, “you can’t take it with you.”  Maybe you can!

BROOKLYN CREMATORY

JOURNEY JOURNAL... Greenwood Heights, Brooklyn, New York

What's So Hot About A Brooklyn Crematory?

Everything!  Sparked by the progressively escalating rate of cremation, Green-wood Cemetery’s crematorium has become a popular destination when it’s time “to go.”

Located on the grounds of a 478-acre cemetery that has garnered more enthusiastic reviews than the finest of restaurants, it is yet another impressive facility with striking features.  

Sometimes crematoria are situated in remote corners of burial grounds, particularly if their functionality trumps appearance and amenities.  In this case, though, its prominence adjacent to the main office that flanks a towering Gothic entrance gate seems aesthetically warranted.   

    

Upon entering, the sight of the building’s interior could easily take one’s breath away, which probably should be guarded against, given the nature of the facility.  Since the crematorium also houses modern columbarium niches, sitting areas, and chapels, serene ambience prevails. 

Stained glass provides a backdrop for urns in this section.    

    

A welcoming foyer abuts office headquarters where urns and other cremation articles are displayed and available for sale.

                                   

                         

A lounge outside the chapel areas serves as a gathering place. 

Two chapels are available for brief services prior to the cremation process.  They are next to the room where the facility’s five retorts are located.

   

The secondary chapel is used for smaller groups.  This one is graced by a captivating glass backdrop festooned with leaf designs that coordinate with leaf configurations on ceiling-level glass windows.

The rate of chapel services here mimics that of weddings at a US Military Academy during the week after graduation.  Time allotments for each group’s services must be limited to fifteen minutes in order to accommodate the number of people who want to use it.  But it’s no surprise that the site is in demand.  The room’s appointments and its pacifying surroundings are modern and attractive.  

Any New Yorkers stoking the fire of desire for cremation may light up when they visit this glowing establishment to kindle the possibilities!