CREATE A GREAT FUNERAL DAY

A GIFT-GIVING HOLIDAY

An article written by Gail Rubin, an end-of-life pre-planning advocate and educator, highlights a particular October 30^th holiday established in 1999 by Stephanie West Allen.  Having witnessed the difficulties her own relatives faced upon the death of individuals who had not declared funerary preferences, she conceived this annual occasion to emphasize the wisdom of addressing – while alive – the practicalities and life celebration aspects of death management.

As Allen noted, “The people who are left behind are so grateful to have this already done.”  It is a gift to family members.  When they know they are following through on their loved one’s wishes, the proceedings can be so much more meaningful for them.

Reference is made to the “Terror Management Theory” within the realm of social psychology.  This postulate suggests that all human behavior is governed by one’s realization that death is inevitable in spite of a desire to live, thereby generating a uniquely human conflict that produces terror.  Does this explain why people generally exhibit a disinclination to examine matters of death and plan in advance for it? 

Can the glaring societal avoidance syndrome be remedied by courageously confronting and exploring what Gail Rubin notes as “mortality salience,” a term that defines awareness of one’s own eventual demise?  She identifies the value of Create A Great Funeral Day in that it “prompts us to be mindful and self-aware, to plan reflectively in advance, rather than in reaction after someone dies.” 

In the absence of pre-planning, funeral affairs may be perfunctory and as flat as a bottle of soda without any fizz.  Allen refers to the “rent-a-minister” approach whereby the speaker may describe elements of the decedent’s life in spite of never having known him, or deliver standard theological oratory that’s contrary to that person’s (and the guests’) tenets.    

Because of its special designation in the context of pre-planning, October 30^th affords an opportunity to pause and contemplate funerary choices along with aspects of one’s life considered worth remembering. It is a day for pondering and a day for action.  It is a day to become proactive, take the bull by the horn, and declare in some form your own personal preferences.  It is a way to avoid what Allen has dubbed “a facelift funeral,” the unfortunate consequence of going through the motions without answering the emotional needs of mourners. Such a “cookie cutter” approach neglects incorporating personalized elements that render positive experiences for the living and a sense of continued connection with the beloved individuals who have died.      

So this year when you rise and shine on October 30^th, consider rising to the occasion and initiating a new venture.  Be amazed by the plethora of options – many of which are unique and intriguing – for choosing courses of actions and recording them on paper or via a computer file.  Find out how exploration and decision making for life’s last milestone can be surprisingly enjoyable. Think of all you’ve contributing to the welfare of your family and add this to the list.  During the remainder of your lifetime, revisit your preference record of choices each year when this holiday rolls around, make changes according to your current outlook, realize that you have composed a wonderful gift for your family, and revel in the fact that you are prepared!

 Avoid a “Facelift Funeral” with Create a Great Funeral Day, 
by Gail Rubin

                                                A Good Goodbye Blog Article

DEATH CAFES

A Fly’Bye Lady Visit In Gainesville, Florida

TAMING THE LAST TABOO

It’s called a Death Café.  It’s not so much a place as an experience.  People, typically strangers, gather together in the presence of food to launch unstructured and unconstrained discussions about mortality and its manifestations. There are no agendas, objectives, or themes, and no intention of leading people to conclusions, courses of actions, or products. Grief support or personal counseling are not permitted within this channel.  During a two-hour period of time, discussions flow according to spontaneous interactions.   A blank slate of opportunity enables participants to release any death-related thoughts or pose questions to which others may react.

The idea for these branded meetings was sparked in Europe.  During 2004 the earliest versions of social gatherings for this purpose were inaugurated in Switzerland, quickly spreading to Belgium and France.  In 2011 Jon Underwood began hosting such events in the United Kingdom, primarily in London. As a web designer, he laid an Internet foundation detailing principles, guidelines, and rules to be followed by anyone who would want to host such affairs under the official nomenclature and operational model of this non-profit “social franchise.”  Thereafter, the concept migrated to North America, with the first session in Columbus, Ohio on July 19, 2012.  It was hosted by Lizzy Miles, a hospice volunteer and social worker, and Maria Johnson, a grad school cohort with a shared interest in hospice and end-of-life issues; both are “twenty-somethings” in age. 

While it might be presumed that participants would tend toward elderhood, it may be surprising to note that young people blend with older folks in these settings. Organizers are motivated to become hosts for different reasons.  Some are practitioners who deal with issues of death, but others simply see the value of stimulating such conversations in their communities.

The impetus that inspired Carissa, a young host in Ohio, may be deduced from her comment that she had been given a second chance at life.  She noted that, “While we discuss death, what we really are talking about, is life.”  Excitement about hosting stemmed from her viewpoint that everyone who attends one of these meetings has a story or an experience to share about life and death. 

Sometimes the facilitator tosses out a question to invigorate the discussion, but otherwise functions primarily as a peer participant.  The role of this individual also includes assuming responsibility for locating a place to hold the event, publicizing it, and assuring availability of food… possibly cake and beverages.  Any venue is apt to be suitable, as long as food can be consumed, and often purchased, on site.  If restaurants are used, requests are made for participants to buy food in exchange for use of the space.  Meetings may also be held in homes.  A comfortable setting likely to induce casual conversation is the underlying objective.

A comfortable setting certainly was the case on March 9^th, 2014 when an inaugural Death Café took place inside a stunning lodge on the grounds of the Prairie Creek Preserve. 

Amidst rustic splendor in an expansive, high-ceiling space, an impressive conglomerate of young and old individuals representing varied stations in life joined the ever-enlarging circle of participants. 

A young woman who aims to become a funeral director served as the host, provider of varied food selections, and apparent solicitor of friends who attended in support of the initiative.  She was the first to speak, offering introductory guidelines, but promptly delegated the group to take over.  From then on, there were no interactive lapses as such topical threads as these were woven into the fabric of thought-provoking material:

Our culture as it relates to mortality was one consideration.  It was noted that death is sensationalized in movies and through other channels of image conveyance, perpetuating violence in society instead of suppressing it.  Such erroneous manifestations in the media don’t mesh with what it’s really like when a person dies.    

What is the perfect death?  Someone expressed a hope for fading away without suffering, with an opportunity for “closure” prior to it.  The image of a grandson kissing a woman was introduced.

Input from a nurse who had cared for dying individuals was based on a perception that an observer can tell when someone is ready to die.

The topic of voluntary euthanasia, or assisted suicide, emerged relative to questioning its justification as a way to preempt suffering, sustaining a sense of autonomy and dignity.

How do people react to someone whose life circumstances make the prospect of death far less formidable than usual, and possibly even welcome – a glaring diversion from conventional attitudes?  Is it possible to think differently about this when one hears of a person who perpetually fears murder and is on guard because others in her circle have been killed?  Can the average person who runs away from death understand why someone in this position would just as soon take her own life?          

One individual expressed a hope to come back to earth in some form that’s productive for nature. 

And so it progressed, moving from one realm to the next, with all commentary hinging on matters of death.  Toward the end of this session the host tossed out a question that elicited further responses. A second Death Café that would be scheduled for the following month was announced.  It is but one of a growing number of such meetings that are taking place worldwide. 

A convivial group of mostly strangers left the premises with food for thought, many of them after taking a detour to the kitchen for some additional life-sustaining food for their bodies.

The metaphorical closet of demise denial – ordinarily pigeonholed into a dark corner by fearful avoidance – had been opened.  Perhaps as folks left the building they had all the more reason to embrace life.

                                                                       *******

*List of upcoming Death Cafes in different parts of the United States as well as other  countries:  http://deathcafe.com/deathcafes/

*Guidelines for hosting a Death Cafe:  http://deathcafe.com/how/

 *Informative Articles:        NPR article                   Huffington Post article

 *Death Cafe on Facebook

 Referenced quotation from:  http://deathcafe.com/deathcafe/337/

BOOK ANNOUNCEMENT

                                    A FULLY FORMED PRODUCT OF CONCEPTION

HAS BEEN RELEASED 

FROM INCUBATION IN A COMPUTER FILE!

Nicknamed "The Big One,” a long-awaited book finally has come alive!  
Official Name:  Pondering Leaves:  Composing and Conveying Your Life Story’s Epilogue

Body Type:  Twins:  A recreational end-of-life pre-planning guide in a set of two volumes

Weight:  3.5 pounds

Length:  Body plus Appendix = 790 pages (volume I = 380 pages, volume II = 410 pages)

Conception and Gestation:  Easy

Delivery:  Difficult and Painful

Discharged from the Pond:  December 2013

Reason for Being:  Motivational and Informational

Supporting Staff:  Technical advisor

                          Research assistant and site-visitation companion

                          Frog illustrators

                          Game consultant

                          Formatting contortionist

Siblings:  e-Book in embryonic stage

Condition of Birth Mother:  Questionably Stable

Visiting Hours:  24/7

Home Address:  BOOK PAGE at www.ponderingleaves.com

Adoption Fee:  $29.99 plus tax and shipping

Arrangements:  “BUY NOW” button

Greetings can be sent to:  passages@ponderingleaves.com

THE BABY

This book is different.  It is a BIG and BOUNTIFUL reference guide in two volumes for anyone with the wisdom and loving kindness to make end-of-life decisions while fully alive.  Instead of a cursory overview of some aspects of funerary management, it provides details pertaining to every element a pre-planner might want to consider.  Symbolic representations are key components, prompting an exploration of one’s characteristics as determinants of personal preferences and potential arrangements.

It is designed with reverence for the painful reality of inevitable death while offering an upbeat event planning perspective.  Family needs are addressed in conjunction with the sense of satisfaction that can be derived from planning ahead and having a say in the matter.

Novel ideas and modern innovations enlivening the funeral industry pervade the content, which also encompasses detailed descriptions of conventional approaches and familiar products.       

Whimsical threads are woven through practical matters, based on a presumption that someone is more apt to broach a formidable topic if it is peppered with entertainment.

Utilitarian content is interspersed periodically with offbeat vignettes for spirit refreshment and promotion of comfort.  Such asides either exemplify main points or simply dot the domain with streaks of colorful invigoration.  Other inserts serve the same purpose, with rhyming quips, fun exercises, and the presence of multiple frog illustrations as a reminder that this resource is about “croaking.”  That is, learning about end-of-life options will enable communication and an opportunity to make one’s voice heard before it is too late.  A planner will be endowed with a chance to bestow upon family members the ultimate gift of guidance.   

A journey through this compendium could be regarded as a recreational retreat, within a playground of figurative word structures in the form of analogies, metaphors, and idioms.  The text is suffused with double meanings, occasional fantasy images, and even some sexual inferences for added pizzazz.

Upon reaching the end of this book, a reader is apt to have discovered the joy of individuality, especially in this context of choosing relevant ways to leave life in a manner best suited to oneself.  The underlying goal of adopting personalized approaches is apt to invoke a desire to recognize and celebrate the uniqueness of one’s own life.  And reluctantly mortal “NAYsayers” will assuredly be transformed into prepared “YEAHsayers”!  

INTOLERANCE TRANSFORMATION

CHANCE DISCOVERIES

Once upon a time a frog appeared on the oval deck surrounding a large backyard pool on our family property.   Soon it became a permanent fixture, apparently after finding the environs a suitable habitat.  Chlorinated water apparently wasn't deleterious to its existence and didn't deter its desire to stay on the premises!  We recall that its skin color whitened over time (though that may be biologically impossible); it was definitely white at some point, though.

At first, this disruptive interloper intimidated us, dampening our usual sense of abandon when plunging into our recreational resource. Often someone’s intention to step into or onto the body of a whale, giraffe, or hollow turtle – one of assorted inflatable floats in the water – would be preceded by a shrill utterance (eeeeeek!) upon observing that it was already occupied by this amphibian.  The human shrieks, however, didn’t come close to the volume of amplified noise emitted by our guest croaker.  Family meals on the back porch overlooking the yard were accented by reverberations of ongoing communication with other members of its species. To our shock and amazement, upon returning from a summer trip we discovered that our ever-present companion had been doing a lot of communicating while we were away.  Our pool was teeming with hundreds of tadpoles!   

Okay, so this is an intriguing recollection, but what's the point?  Where's the relevance?  How can this ostensibly errant story possibly relate to exploring funerary matters and making your own final decisions?  

Well, the uninvited frog just might be considered analogous to the topic of issues associated with your life's ending.  Like our family members who weren't exactly thrilled to find this alien in our pool territory, you may have regarded the prospect of pre-planning your death arrangements a bit or a lot unsettling.  Maybe upon first glance you felt like you just didn't want to have to deal with it.  

But now after "getting your feet wet" in the vicinity of this intrusive perception that has forged its way into your awareness, maybe you'll become acclimated to the reality of its presence... just as our family became accustomed to delving into the water in spite of the fact that the squatter was cohabitating with us.  

And, lo and behold, just as we eventually adopted the misplaced creature as our family mascot, even giving it a name, you may become tolerant of the pre-planning subject to such an extent that you'll be willing to maintain it in your mind at some level of consciousness.

A similar process of transformation that we claim to have observed may enter the picture.  Just as the color of our adopted resident ostensibly changed over the course of time, any negative attitude you might have brought with you to this place may translate into newfound acceptance of the issues you encounter. 

And, believe it or not, to your great astonishment, you may even find that swimming around in this body of information may be as refreshing as swimming around in a pool of water!  It won't hurt to interact with this material, just as the frog did no harm to us.

In fact, you are apt to be unexpectedly entertained, just as we were when during our meals on the porch we listened to all of the sounds emanating from the pool deck.

Your exposure here may even prompt you to explore other avenues related to this subject, resulting in acquisition of funerary savvy and personal enlightenment that may be compounded exponentially... in the same way our amphibian trespasser reproduced and brought multiples into our presence.  

So what's the moral of this story? 

We can thrive in what might initially be perceived as an aversive environment.    

By overcoming reluctance and immersing ourselves in a milieu that's intimidating yet saturated with possibilities, we can change our attitudes.  And we may ingest either a bevy of ideas or a mouthful of tadpoles.

Insights have a surprising way of developing productively, far beyond our expectations.  We might find something enlivening where we least expect it!

Whether an originally disgruntled perspective pertains either to the subject of death or to another life form, it has the potential to evolve into an exercise in tolerance and a captivating learning experience that can lead to memories never to be forgotten. 

MOTIVATING ATTITUDES

MIND MAKEOVERS

What are we going to do with ourselves when we can no longer inhabit the earth?  Or, more likely, what will those closest to us do with our physical remains?  In what manner will the essence of our lives be recognized and commemorated?  How can we be assured that the presence we embodied will live on in the minds of others?

These are questions that only the most undaunted, well-organized and well-adjusted members of our society have been inclined to ask themselves. What about everyone else?  The inevitable reality of separation and loss… of life endings… of permanent departures… is excruciatingly intimidating and emotionally draining for escapists who prefer to “bury their heads in the sand.” Denial and dismissal of thoughts about that last incomprehensible yet natural phase of life mask unrelenting truths, thereby perpetuating a state of rampant lack of preparedness.  

Our attitudes toward death affect us throughout life.  Quality of existence can be heightened through an appreciation of life’s limitation.  We have choices.  We can live in fear of mortality and cowardly assume a posture of avoidance, or we can ease the potential for strain on ourselves as well as our families by addressing measures of preparedness now.  We can either disavow the certainty of death or embrace it as a natural consequence of living. We can control certain elements of our endings. We can explore the possibilities. We can dictate our preferences and initiate plans for closing scenarios.  We can eliminate many of the decision-making chores that would burden our distraught loved ones during their time of sorrow.  We have the power to determine conduct and personalize details relative to the occasion of terminal transition. We can reconcile ourselves to this irrefutable reality by adopting an attitude of acceptance and even enjoyment of the planning process. 

With revitalized perspectives we can find our way to a new comfort zone.  We can travel along modern routes paved by emerging trends and opportunities.  If we open our eyes to the possibilities, we can witness expanded horizons and paint our own exquisite sunsets.

PRE-PLANNING HUMOR

CAN DEATH AND LEVITY CO-EXIST? 

Is it okay to treat the subject of planning one's own end-of-life affairs in a lighthearted manner?  We are accustomed to shying away from anything that pertains to death.  We don’t want to think about the demon that follows us through life, threatening to uproot us from our existence.  Normally, we don’t laugh at a reality so abhorrent and contrary to our sense of well-being.  We can’t fathom it in the imaginary context of an amiable companion.

We seem to have inherited our negative attitudes toward mortality because of maladaptive fixations that characterize our culture.  In other countries, people are better able to treat the transition as a natural phase of the live cycle.  As human beings, we all share the universal agony of loss when it occurs.  But while many others seem to regard this natural passage more purposefully, we tend to regard it more scornfully.  Can we learn to accept an evolutionary reality that can’t be changed?  Is there a way to be relieved of the heavy burden of intimidating fear that permeates our lives and diminishes our quality of living?

I think humor can be a tool.  It isn’t meant to imply disrespect for this phenomenon that is imbued with painful repercussions for loved ones.  Instead, it is intended to serve the function of a preemptive host, opening the door and welcoming newcomers to unfamiliar territory.  It is the “ice-breaker,” so to speak.  Maybe it can help to spark discussions and invoke a newfound comfort in a realm that had been too uncomfortable to broach.  

If we could allow ourselves to lighten up a bit, maybe we would be able to tolerate this taboo topic more readily.  I believe in the power of words to alter our ingrained perspectives.  I like to use upbeat language and concepts as a balm in hopes of subduing the ache of prospective separation.  It seems easier to explore this subject when surrounded by figurative expressions pregnant with metaphors, double meanings, and symbolic terms that are not only palatable, but jocular as well.  I’d much rather look at a frog symbolizing a mission to communicate about death rather than a skull and crossbones reinforcing the threat of it!