WHERE TO DIE?

END ZONE GAME CHANGERS

Is quality of life possible during the physical decline of a terminal condition?  That’s a question that has surfaced recently, possibly driven in large part by the baby boomer generation of alternative thinkers.  The answer seems to be trending toward an affirmative stance.  Yes, even people who are dying can infuse their lives with meaningful moments… possibly more so if they are detached from institutions where they could easily become tube-entangled in the mechanical ministrations that represent the bastion of the medical model.  

Though multiple surveys have indicated that a large proportion of people choose not to die in a hospital, among the majority of the population that is actually the place where lives end. Recognizing this reality, the literature these days is rife with rationales for eschewing a hospital environment during one’s final weeks or days.  Activists are reacting negatively to the scenarios that are borne of scientific advancements, yet are potentially aversive to patients and their families.  

Perhaps of particular note is that medical doctors don’t want to die in hospitals, either.  Though they are fully aware of all the mechanical and pharmacological means of bodily support, many say “no thank you” to the prospect for themselves.  One of them, Atul Gawande, has become a maverick of sorts in spreading the word about the contrasts between hearth or hospice and conventional hospital care.

In an article for the New Yorker Magazine, he referenced a study done as part of a Coping With Cancer Project.  “… terminally ill cancer patients who were put on a mechanical ventilator, given electrical defibrillation or chest compressions, or admitted, near death, to intensive care had a substantially worse quality of life in their last week than those who received no such interventions.  And, six months after their death, their caregivers were three times as likely to suffer major depression. Spending one’s final days in an I.C.U. because of terminal illness is for most people a kind of failure. You lie on a ventilator, your every organ shutting down, your mind teetering on delirium and permanently beyond realizing that you will never leave this borrowed, fluorescent place.”  Furthermore, he notes, “as for last words, they hardly seem to exist anymore. Technology sustains our organs until we are well past the point of awareness and coherence.” 

Caring professionals in hospital environments humanely deliver treatments with utmost compassion. They respond empathetically to family members who are unable to acknowledge finality and let their loved ones go.  Medical personnel are geared toward saving lives and attempting to extend them by employing all possible means, such as surgeries or potent chemotherapies (that invariably cause debilitating side effects).  At the hands of their zealous efforts, though, often the patients feel worse.  Devices, feeding tubes, dialysis catheters, tracheotomies, and the like can virtually imprison the person who is tethered to tubes and pumps, drifting in and out of consciousness.  The last days or weeks of life may be exponentially arduous for afflicted individuals, while families can become overwhelmingly distraught by the ramifications of intrusive treatments.  A waning life may be tainted by drug-induced oblivion coupled with the procedures and equipment that render a zombie-like existence, in spite of the fact that there is no hope for reversal or arrest of the disease process.  The soaring cost of care for the terminally ill is yet another consideration compounding the hardship of such situations.

Through interviews and experiences with patients, Doctor Gawande has accumulated evidence that dying individuals have needs beyond just extending the number of days they continue to exist.  Surveys of folks with terminal illnesses have identified their priorities, which include prevention of suffering, time with family members, physical touching of others, mental acuity and awareness, and avoidance of being a burden.  

Pain relief and other palliative measures can be provided in hospice or home settings, without the complexities of counterproductive paraphernalia geared toward prolonging a life destined for an imminent ending.  Comfort care rather than curative treatments may include massages and other hands-on interactions that involve touch.  Soothing music may be part of the picture.  The familiar atmosphere of one’s home in itself may contribute to alleviation of distress.  If food is still able to be eaten, choices can be customized according to appetite and tolerance.  Contacts with friends and family members are more natural and unimpeded, in a place that’s conducive to supporting one another.  Once death has occurred, there is no rush to remove the body from the premises, allowing time for continued contact and spontaneous expressions that might not be possible in an institution.  

In his popular book, Being Mortal, Doctor Gawande elucidates what matters most to people who are dying.  His own father proclaimed that he wanted to continue his social life rather than have aggressive treatments that would deprive him of being social.  Another man said he would be okay as long as he could eat chocolate ice cream and watch football.  These declarations, then, served as guidelines for their final stages of life.  Everyone was aware of the objectives and the need to avoid an institutionalized experience.  

Until recently, physicians in general had assumed a skittish posture relative to enlightening their patients about the reality of their ominous circumstances.  No one, perhaps especially these providers, wants to admit defeat.  No one wants to alert folks to the fact that they have reached a dead end on their road of life.  Everyone likely feels the excruciating pangs of destiny.  

Increasingly, however, initiatives to discuss end-of-life wishes are emerging.  Within the medical profession, practitioners are being trained and encouraged to have such discussions with terminally ill patients.  There is a drive to reject knee-jerk treatment methodology in favor of finding out from each individual what matters most to that particular person.  

The “Gawande approach” entails posing five questions as elements of routine end-of-life discussions:  1. What is your understanding of where you are and of your illness?  2. What are your fears or worries about the future?  3. What are your goals and priorities?  4. What outcomes are unacceptable to you?  What are you willing to sacrifice or not to sacrifice?  
5. Upon reaching your final phase, what would a good day look like?  

So the question seemingly boils down to whether someone would opt for a dying experience that is primarily “medicalized” or humanized.  Maybe the pendulum is swinging toward a better way to go gently into the good night.

The New Yorker Article

Atul Gawande's 5 Questions to Ask at Life's End

NATURAL BURIAL CASKETS and MORE

Journey Journal... Arlington, MA

A TISKET, A CASKET... A GREEN and YELLOW BASKET

All caskets available through the Mourning Dove Studio are “green” because of their biodegradability and suitability for natural burials.  But the actual colors and styles can reflect a broad spectrum of possibilities.  A pivotal feature of this enterprise is its adaptability and responsiveness to personal visions.  The sky’s the limit for individually created versions destined for underground repose, as long as construction materials and decorative applications mesh with principled stipulations for ecologically-friendly burials. 

The Mourning Dove venture, though, encompasses far more than the sale of burial containment.  Its two co-founder visionaries conceptualized an inclusive palate of offerings.  Through their direct support, customers have been able to immerse themselves in details of design as well as dialogues about death.  Backgrounds in human service instinctively marry these originators with a sensitivity to emotional needs generated by ramifications of current and future loss.  

Although sales of burial receptacles represent the most tangible backbone of their activities, nothing within the realm of related services is boxed in by prescribed structure.  The dynamic nature of shared details and interactive exchanges engages customers under novel circumstances, promoting personal  touches and camaraderie typically foreign to conventional retail settings.    

Ruth Faas and Sue Cross are the prime movers who have nurtured this initiative toward its realization.  Both had been peripheral observers of matters within the death arena prior to plunging into it themselves.  

Observations of her uncle’s funeral home operations may have set the stage for Ruth, but a reaction to her mother’s casket innervated thoughts of alternatives.  Clinical ministrations as an occupational therapist led to graduate studies in sociology and a role as a teaching assistant for a Death and Dying class.  Currently, she is a member of the Funeral Consumers Alliance of Eastern Massachusetts.    

Besides a background in mental health, an appreciation of cultural diversity and a passion for art have contributed to Sue’s involvement in death-related services.  While serving as a bereavement counselor for adolescents, she is also developing a film series about death, dying, and grieving for a local church.  

These inspired women have fulfilled roles as enablers by guiding folks beyond the darkness of finality and into the light of expressive possibilities for handling it.  Until recently, customers had been able to visit a multi-functional, spacious studio where caskets were on display, but also, other activities were underway.  

Individual art projects and workshops were conducted in the larger of two rooms.  Bereavement groups could be accommodated.  For a nominal fee, basic cardboard caskets or pine boxes could be decorated according to individualized inspirations and aspirations.  Guidance was available from the co-founder who has a penchant for art, buoyed by four years of classes and membership in a cooperative art studio, and imbued with a special interest in the art and rituals her Hungarian ancestors had practiced in response to deaths. 

Photos Source:  Mourning Dove Studio Website

A smaller resource room served as a hub for access to relevant literature about matters of mortality, including alternative modes of death management.  There,  folks could sit and read to glean insights on their journeys toward end-of-life wisdom.  Some tapped material addressing grief to bolster steps toward recovery.  

Perhaps a germane slogan for this venture that pertains to death would be, “Never Say Die.”  Operations could readily have come to a demised termination were it not for motivational resilience.  As with life itself, an insurmountable obstacle was encountered that rendered a numbing blow. 

The storefront space on Massachusetts Avenue that had been headquarters for this establishment since its origination in December of 2009 had to be unexpectedly abandoned in 2014.  A quintessential “we regret to inform you” notice was the dagger that could have inflicted mortal wounds.  The announcement of a monthly rent increase of $1000. was potentially paralyzing.  

But the imposed absence of expanse did not mark the end of this life-enriching cause.  Now, sales are conducted and information is dispensed from the owner’s home.  Caskets are on display in the basement, along with some biodegradable urns and reference materials.    

Rather than unceremoniously placing an order, sometimes folks who are experiencing the turmoil of loss or terminal circumstances may want to immerse themselves in the process of development through hands-on involvement.  As an evocative tool for expression of feelings, such activities can be an antidote to their festering imprisonment. 

Given enough preemptive time, clients may even choose to construct a casket themselves, with direct assistance.  Or plain, unadorned boxes that are already made can awaken ideas, prompting applications of paint or anything the heart desires.  

Photo Source:  Mourning Dove Studio Website

Encyclopedia pages meaningfully lined the interior of a rudimentary receptacle that would be apropos for a teacher or avid learner.  The decoupage technique is often employed.  

Inserts may be covered by family photos, images that signify a decedent’s characteristics, or ornamentation of a different nature.  

Even mere post-it notes might be affixed to recognize a decedent’s persona or as a means for conveying messages as part of a send-off.  

     

  

As an alternative to a do-it-yourself casket-making project or securing one that’s locally constructed, models from other retail sources can be ordered.  Basket-type receptacles made from natural fibers have become popular commodities for green burials in Europe and, increasingly, in the United States as well. 

The stylistic Ecopod was introduced to the world as a distinctive, molded configuration that simulates a seed pod.  It is hand made using recycled newspapers and finished with paper from mulberry pulp.  Colors and imprinted designs are variable.    

Caskets with designs prepared through the application of biodegradable paints are available.  One of a cadre of local artists can be commissioned to do the work. 

Photo Source:  Mourning Dove Studio Website

If a shroud is preferred, it can be acquired from one of a few nationwide sources. 

For discussions with the Mourning Dove owner, interested individuals are invited to sit around a table in her spacious country kitchen that evokes images of neighborhood coffee klatches.  The homey environment begets a sense of homespun attention.   

Like a sumptuous meal, the scoop about options for products and services is doled out generously.  Contacts may be facilitated by referring people to a host of providers.  Among them are funeral homes and cemeteries that support ecological practices, celebrants who conduct commemorative services, grief therapists, deathbed choirs, and artists who create memorial items.  

The website for this venture also serves as a channel for input.  Besides having access to pertinent blog articles, readers are apprised of opportunities to attend a series of writing workshops or yoga classes to address the impact of loss.  Home gatherings for exploration and discussions can be arranged.  One page on the website is a repository for a listing of resources and the sharing of commemorative ideas submitted by individuals.  

Part of the mission to spread the word about natural burials is implemented through community presentations and exhibits at events, such as the 2014 Graves In the Garden green burial fair at Mount Auburn Cemetery.  In a vendor milieu, a few of the caskets were on display there.

A commitment to promote the concept of environmentally sustainable end-of-life practices is at the core of this undertaking.  It is readily apparent that individualized support and a goal of enlightenment serve as the underlying foundation for devoted engagement.  These authentic helpers want to help people.  Casket sales seem secondary to that objective.   

As noted on their website, they “want to help dying people and their loved ones openly discuss these topics, utilize art and creativity as tools for leaving a legacy of love, create meaningful, personalized end-of-life ceremonies, have more access to eco-friendly options, honor and grieve our connections and losses.”

Their recognition of a need for earthly preservation has motivated involvement in this ecologically conscientious endeavor.  Everything they do and everything they provide is down to earth, whether it be a burial receptacle or a suggestion.  Under their auspices, customized creativity reigns.  Their efforts epitomize a manner of personalization that is meaningful and devoid of commercialism.  They are mavericks in these ever-growing funerary fields of green.  

Mourning Dove Studio

"Going green"

boston.com Article

"Mourning goes green in Arlington"

WICKEDLOCAL..com Article

TISSUE BANK WITH BIO-SKILLS LAB

JOURNEY JOURNAL... Cumberland, Rhode Island

"PART-ING GIFTS"

Recently, a woman announced definitively that she was going to be an organ donor when she died.  Her assuredness contradicted reality, as circumstances of death must mesh with stringent parameters in order for transplants to happen.  In spite of good intentions, often transfers of innards to living recipients are not possible.  Of course, there won’t be any utterance of “Darn, I am so disappointed!” coming from her if the potential donor is deemed an unsuitable candidate.  But family members may feel sorely deflated, knowing that this woman had been hell-bent on having her internal leftovers benefit others’ lives. 

Organ and tissue transplants have evolved during the past century to the point where they are in the forefront of people’s minds in connection with death and dying.  Perhaps folks are less apt to consider the alternative avenue for a whole body donation to support research, education, and skill enhancement.  But think of the multitude of scientists, practitioners, technical innovators, students, and varied personnel whose work relates to health and quality of human life.  Their best teachers are apt to be the decedents who contributed their physical substance for the enhancement of personal proficiency and societal progress.     

Within its national network of five tissue banks in different regions of the country, MedCure – a whole body donation program founded in 2005 – provides unembalmed (frozen), non-transplantable organs and tissues to medical research and education providers around the world.  

There is no cost to the family, as long as the organization is contacted after death occurs instead of a random funeral home.  Its personnel manage every detail, including transportation from the place of death to the closest MedCure facility via arrangements with one of their contracted funeral homes.  Acquisition of the standard death certificate and disposition permit is part of the process.

Tucked inconspicuously behind one of many corporate enterprises lining a long road in Cumberland, Rhode Island, an ordinary building belies the extraordinary operations underway inside it. Besides serving as a collection center for distribution of physical elements, this particular site is also a place of learning… a facility where surgical skills are honed and educational lab experiences are conducted, thanks to donor contributions of whole bodies. 

Even high school students can be exposed in this manner to the intricacies of the human body, sometimes engendering an inclination toward health-related vocational pursuits or even enlightenment that changes deleterious personal practices such as smoking. 

The environment here is modern and spacious, with state-of-the-art technology and knowledgeable staff. 

Lab managers are certified as tissue specialists capable of preparing, managing, and monitoring specimens in addition to assisting with procedures.  A 2500 square-foot laboratory space with fifteen surgical stations mimics operating room milieus, featuring lights equipped with video cameras that relay procedural details to learners situated in nearby auditorium spaces that accommodate up to one hundred observers. 

Computer stations and a locker room offer additional amenities for visiting bio-skills participants.

When hunger strikes, a large room connected to a small kitchen is the place where catered meals are provided.

Bodily donations can be accepted from all continental states, with the exception of New Jersey and Minnesota. There are no age restrictions. Some, but not many, disease conditions would render specimens unusable.  The more likely exclusions include HIV/AIDS, hepatitis B or C, a history of intravenous drug use, incarceration or institutionalization, and severe under- or overweight.  Anyone with terminal cancer can be pre-screened to determine eligibility.  So this type of donation can be an alternative to medical school donations, which may be more restrictive.

A circulating truck makes the rounds between headquarters in Portland, OR and the sites in Henderson, NV, Orlando, FL, St. Louis, MO, and Cumberland, RI to pick up and deliver the precious resources.  Besides the facility in Rhode Island, the ones in Oregon and Nevada also have bioskills labs on site. 

Every specimen is tested and must meet defined criteria before being distributed.  At time of death a matching process follows a review of the donor’s medical status to pair the bodily components with the most appropriate educational or research applications. Later, the family can be apprised of the ways in which use of the donated body were implemented. 

When a decision to donate is declared prior to death, donation forms are accompanied by a request for health and social histories, including medical records. 

A specimen for training purposes is used only once, followed by cremation as soon as possible – typically, within six to twelve weeks.  Family members have appreciated the container provided for the cremated remains, which is a heart-shaped box. 

So even if organ transplants into living bodies is preferred as a way to utilize physical residuals, consider a backup “Plan B” as a contribution to a body of knowledge.  

CREATE A GREAT FUNERAL DAY

A GIFT-GIVING HOLIDAY

An article written by Gail Rubin, an end-of-life pre-planning advocate and educator, highlights a particular October 30^th holiday established in 1999 by Stephanie West Allen.  Having witnessed the difficulties her own relatives faced upon the death of individuals who had not declared funerary preferences, she conceived this annual occasion to emphasize the wisdom of addressing – while alive – the practicalities and life celebration aspects of death management.

As Allen noted, “The people who are left behind are so grateful to have this already done.”  It is a gift to family members.  When they know they are following through on their loved one’s wishes, the proceedings can be so much more meaningful for them.

Reference is made to the “Terror Management Theory” within the realm of social psychology.  This postulate suggests that all human behavior is governed by one’s realization that death is inevitable in spite of a desire to live, thereby generating a uniquely human conflict that produces terror.  Does this explain why people generally exhibit a disinclination to examine matters of death and plan in advance for it? 

Can the glaring societal avoidance syndrome be remedied by courageously confronting and exploring what Gail Rubin notes as “mortality salience,” a term that defines awareness of one’s own eventual demise?  She identifies the value of Create A Great Funeral Day in that it “prompts us to be mindful and self-aware, to plan reflectively in advance, rather than in reaction after someone dies.” 

In the absence of pre-planning, funeral affairs may be perfunctory and as flat as a bottle of soda without any fizz.  Allen refers to the “rent-a-minister” approach whereby the speaker may describe elements of the decedent’s life in spite of never having known him, or deliver standard theological oratory that’s contrary to that person’s (and the guests’) tenets.    

Because of its special designation in the context of pre-planning, October 30^th affords an opportunity to pause and contemplate funerary choices along with aspects of one’s life considered worth remembering. It is a day for pondering and a day for action.  It is a day to become proactive, take the bull by the horn, and declare in some form your own personal preferences.  It is a way to avoid what Allen has dubbed “a facelift funeral,” the unfortunate consequence of going through the motions without answering the emotional needs of mourners. Such a “cookie cutter” approach neglects incorporating personalized elements that render positive experiences for the living and a sense of continued connection with the beloved individuals who have died.      

So this year when you rise and shine on October 30^th, consider rising to the occasion and initiating a new venture.  Be amazed by the plethora of options – many of which are unique and intriguing – for choosing courses of actions and recording them on paper or via a computer file.  Find out how exploration and decision making for life’s last milestone can be surprisingly enjoyable. Think of all you’ve contributing to the welfare of your family and add this to the list.  During the remainder of your lifetime, revisit your preference record of choices each year when this holiday rolls around, make changes according to your current outlook, realize that you have composed a wonderful gift for your family, and revel in the fact that you are prepared!

 Avoid a “Facelift Funeral” with Create a Great Funeral Day, 
by Gail Rubin

                                                A Good Goodbye Blog Article

HOME FUNERALS

HOMEBODIES AMID WALLFLOWERS

It’s a four-letter word that implies rapport rather than dissonance. 

It’s where the heart is.

It’s often a haven… a refuge from worldly chaos.

It’s where enduring memories are made.

HOME is so much more than a building.  Before society relied on hospitals and funeral establishments, it was even a place for birth and death… for penetrating immersion in life’s beginnings and endings.

Through the evolution of generational cycles of resurgence, new forms arise.  In these modern times, a funerary practice of the past has resurfaced as an option in the present.  Although people aren’t necessarily aware of it, they can provide after-death care and conduct commemorations in a residential home or at an alternative site where the decedent had lived.   

State laws determine the extent to which such ministrations and related activities can take place.  Though a few states require services of a funeral director for a limited number of specified tasks, most allow families to determine just how much direct participation suits them.  Generally, they may attend to a few, many, or all details independently and informally amid familiar surroundings.

Advocates of this practice note that participation of relatives and friends, including children, can be a life-changing and enriching experience as natural processes are witnessed and the reality of death is tangibly realized.  By adopting functional roles, a feeling of helplessness can be counteracted.  A sense of purpose as a team member can be therapeutic. 

A wide range of opportunities for involvement makes it possible for people to engage themselves in ways that are most comfortable for them.  It can be a matter of merely keeping a decedent’s body on the premises for a while, sometimes up to three days or for a shorter time, even if death occurred elsewhere.  Participants may simply choose to fill out and file paperwork, namely, for the death certificate that will have to be filed in order to obtain permits.  Or some may become connected to the transactions by writing an obituary or memorial announcement, or by transporting the body to a cemetery or crematory in an ordinary vehicle – usually a van, truck, or sport utility vehicle.  Otherwise, funeral home personnel can be delegated to take care of those matters.

Physical preparation for final disposition can be done in a home, if desired.  This typically entails washing and dressing a body in garments that may have been chosen by the decedent or by the family.  Then dry ice is placed in a pillowcase or towels and positioned underneath and around the body on a bed or in a casket.  Bodies can be maintained this way under cool conditions for about two to three days. A body may be placed on top of flower petals or covered with a sprinkling of them; it may lie on a bed of aromatic cedar chips or other matter deemed significant to the person’s life. 

Some folks want only to spend a few hours with their loved ones, sitting or lying nearby, touching, singing, listening to music, or engaging in a previously shared activity.  Either a private gathering of close family members or an open house visitation with meals and camaraderie among friends may be preferred. In a spirit of community among the mourners, a simple pine or cardboard box may be built and/or decorated (maybe even prior to the event by the person who had been terminally ill), a basic urn may be embellished, or people may create some other type of funerary art.  The interior and exterior of a casket may be adorned with representative thematic elements, mementos, and expressions, or painted in colors that were favorites or those that pertain to an aspect of the individual’s experiences, such as school or team colors.

Personally conducted ceremonies may be held, with poems, stories, songs, rituals, and caring gestures, often exuding originality and reflecting religious, cultural, or pivotal influences. Home-based gatherings can be combined with faith-based rituals conducted in places of worship. 

Sometimes family and friends even handle the final disposition.  This might include digging a grave and placing the body in it, witnessing a cremation, or scattering cremated remains.

So home funerals can have different meanings for different people.  But the approach is governed by flexibility and the varying predispositions of those involved.  Regardless of the degree of participation by family and friends, their initiatives can be jointly intertwined with funeral directors’ services, even utilizing their facilities for some or most of the operations and affairs. 

Proponents of this approach to death management cite many benefits.  Embalming is not done.  More time in the presence of the decedent allows for gradual adjustment to the loss with flexibility for viewing, visitation, and ceremonies.  It is believed that within this context, when all of one’s senses are exposed to death, it is understood better.  That is, the unknown becomes known and the grieving process is facilitated.  Family members have more control than they would otherwise.  Such an intimate act of caring is more personal and inspires a spirit of community. The mood among those gathered can range from tranquil to enlivening and can unfold spontaneously.  In accustomed surroundings, people can express emotions freely and do whatever they want outside the confines of a strict schedule and without feeling self-conscious about being observed or supervised.  Honest discussions with children about death can occur more naturally in these settings.  The home environment promotes uniqueness and offers creative outlets that may be especially cathartic for people who are having difficulty articulating their feelings.  And without employing consumptive funerary services and products, personal ministrations can be economical.

However, the hands-on element of a family-centered approach is not for everyone.  The prospect of being in the perpetual presence of a deceased body could readily be regarded as startling.  Assuming responsibility for handling the details might seem overwhelming.  For future mourners disinclined to choose this alternative avenue, it is always reassuring to know that specialists in the funeral industry are ready and willing to shift into high gear and provide the essential services. 

Otherwise, people who intend to be involved extensively as home-based providers should prepare themselves ahead of time, ideally, through structured workshops so they will know what to expect. 

There has been national recognition of the home funeral reincarnation.  Educational materials are available through organizations that advance the concept via literature, presentations, and in-service education programs. The online Home Funeral Directory has a roster with contact information to access supporters and organizations that provide information and assistance.  “Death care consultants” or “home funeral guides” offer families specific instructions and suggestions through workshops and consultations as well as personal on-site guidance at the time of death.

Though ancestors routinely engaged in such practices, this is not something that can be done at the drop of a hat or, rather, upon the sudden drop of a person.  If interest and inclinations are pre-determined, pathways of preparation will pave the way most optimally to a gratifying and memorable experience.

Certain segments excerpted from 

Pondering Leaves:  Composing and Conveying Your Life Story's Epilogue

PRE-PLANNING GESTURES

LOVE NOTES

February is American Heart Month.  We are enveloped in the color red and surrounded by manufactured items symbolic of love.  Expressions of appreciation for our cherished life companions are communicated through many of these stereotypical means. 

But have you thought outside of the heart-shaped candy box?  Might there be an especially meaningful and eternal way to declare your love for someone? In the context of contemplating end-of-life arrangements, thoughts turn to ideas for providing measures of support for loved ones who will need bolstering and a sense of connection at the time of one’s death.   

Sometimes such connections are established through recognition of material goods imbued with lifetime significance.  As a guest blogger for the AARP blog, Joan Marams Dim recounted her experience of mindfully observing residual items from her husband’s life. Certain features of these ordinary belongings revealed surprising characteristics of this man, Stuart, with whom she had lived for fifty-one years.  His death had occurred after a decade of dealing with cancer. 

In the midst of rummaging through assorted leftovers, Joan discovered unexpected multiples of toiletries and office supplies, along with articles of clothing that reminded her of circumstances associated with them.  Probably the most stunning revelation was a computer message the preeminent organizer in the family had left for her. 

Stuart had covertly bestowed upon his wife a detailed schedule for household management, thereby enabling her to sustain a routine of attending to specific tasks.  Among the messages were:  “Please water the blueberry bushes”…”Please pick the tomatoes”… “Time to turn the mattress and change the water filter in the refrigerator.  Thanks.”  A few days before quarterly taxes were to be mailed, Joan was reminded by her absent husband to mail them; the forms had already been filled out, and the signed checks were ready to be placed in the stamped envelopes. 

Some readers might interpret this type of terminal behavior as obsessive.  But let’s look at the other side of the coin.  Here was a man whose characteristic attention to detail prompted him to exhibit a characteristic form of support for his wife.  It was his way of preparing for death.  It was his way of being by his wife’s side afterwards. 

So what might be your own style for offering preemptive practical support for family members?  Consider digging through your piles of photos to extract the ones you would choose for an obituary notice, an online memorial site, or a display at a commemorative event.  Compile a list of biographical data, a process that could potentially compound the stress of grieving folks upon whose shoulders the task would otherwise fall.  Can you imagine the utter chaos of recovering computer files if passwords were not readily available?  Or what if household paperwork was scattered and inaccessible?  Neglect could easily set the stage for a nightmare scenario. 

Of course, there is so much beyond the basics that a wise and loving planner could offer.  It might be in the form of a list of household or general management tasks that will have to be addressed upon death, allowing for efficient delegation of them to individuals who want to be involved.  Or it might be a suggested list of bereavement resources, enabling awareness and acquisition when the paralysis of sorrow feels overwhelming. 

But whatever type of assistance you choose to provide ahead of time, do it your way.  Think of Stuart, and do it in a manner that will connect your persona to beloved family members. Let them feel the embrace of your helping hands reaching out to them from heaven.     

                  AARP BLOG:  "Losing A Partner – and Finding It Hard to Let Go"

BOOK ANNOUNCEMENT

                                    A FULLY FORMED PRODUCT OF CONCEPTION

HAS BEEN RELEASED 

FROM INCUBATION IN A COMPUTER FILE!

Nicknamed "The Big One,” a long-awaited book finally has come alive!  
Official Name:  Pondering Leaves:  Composing and Conveying Your Life Story’s Epilogue

Body Type:  Twins:  A recreational end-of-life pre-planning guide in a set of two volumes

Weight:  3.5 pounds

Length:  Body plus Appendix = 790 pages (volume I = 380 pages, volume II = 410 pages)

Conception and Gestation:  Easy

Delivery:  Difficult and Painful

Discharged from the Pond:  December 2013

Reason for Being:  Motivational and Informational

Supporting Staff:  Technical advisor

                          Research assistant and site-visitation companion

                          Frog illustrators

                          Game consultant

                          Formatting contortionist

Siblings:  e-Book in embryonic stage

Condition of Birth Mother:  Questionably Stable

Visiting Hours:  24/7

Home Address:  BOOK PAGE at www.ponderingleaves.com

Adoption Fee:  $29.99 plus tax and shipping

Arrangements:  “BUY NOW” button

Greetings can be sent to:  passages@ponderingleaves.com

THE BABY

This book is different.  It is a BIG and BOUNTIFUL reference guide in two volumes for anyone with the wisdom and loving kindness to make end-of-life decisions while fully alive.  Instead of a cursory overview of some aspects of funerary management, it provides details pertaining to every element a pre-planner might want to consider.  Symbolic representations are key components, prompting an exploration of one’s characteristics as determinants of personal preferences and potential arrangements.

It is designed with reverence for the painful reality of inevitable death while offering an upbeat event planning perspective.  Family needs are addressed in conjunction with the sense of satisfaction that can be derived from planning ahead and having a say in the matter.

Novel ideas and modern innovations enlivening the funeral industry pervade the content, which also encompasses detailed descriptions of conventional approaches and familiar products.       

Whimsical threads are woven through practical matters, based on a presumption that someone is more apt to broach a formidable topic if it is peppered with entertainment.

Utilitarian content is interspersed periodically with offbeat vignettes for spirit refreshment and promotion of comfort.  Such asides either exemplify main points or simply dot the domain with streaks of colorful invigoration.  Other inserts serve the same purpose, with rhyming quips, fun exercises, and the presence of multiple frog illustrations as a reminder that this resource is about “croaking.”  That is, learning about end-of-life options will enable communication and an opportunity to make one’s voice heard before it is too late.  A planner will be endowed with a chance to bestow upon family members the ultimate gift of guidance.   

A journey through this compendium could be regarded as a recreational retreat, within a playground of figurative word structures in the form of analogies, metaphors, and idioms.  The text is suffused with double meanings, occasional fantasy images, and even some sexual inferences for added pizzazz.

Upon reaching the end of this book, a reader is apt to have discovered the joy of individuality, especially in this context of choosing relevant ways to leave life in a manner best suited to oneself.  The underlying goal of adopting personalized approaches is apt to invoke a desire to recognize and celebrate the uniqueness of one’s own life.  And reluctantly mortal “NAYsayers” will assuredly be transformed into prepared “YEAHsayers”!  

PRE-PLANNING QUESTIONNAIRE

A NEW TOOL FOR TELEPATHY TERMINATION!

Have you ever been in the front seat of a car, next to a spouse or strongly connected life companion, when that individual verbalizes something you had just been thinking only a few seconds ago?  Such an occurrence is fascinating, invoking curious wonderment and yet another mystery for neuroscientists to investigate. 

Whether or not you’ve experienced this phenomenon, probably there are times when you wonder what is going on in the mind of a pivotal person whose life is merged with yours.  Maybe your curiosity relates to perceptions about your appearance, behavior, or longings for physical entwinement. Or maybe it simply has to do with which turn to make down the road a piece. 

Sometimes as a passenger in the car, you might expect to turn right, yet the driver turns left.  Heh?  You had made an assumption that didn’t mesh with the outcome.  Did you assume he would read your mind?  How was he to know what direction you deemed appropriate to follow? 

And so it is with pre-planning end-of-life arrangements.  How do you expect a person with whom you are closely bonded to know about your final wishes?  Do you presume he or she will read your mind sometime between now and when you die, or will you opt for intentional communication?

Do you even know what arrangements you favor?  First, use resources to beef up your awareness of options.  Explore a multitude of possibilities to enrich the information-gathering experience. Determine your inclinations and eliminate funerary courses of action to which you are opposed. Be surprised by the intriguing aspects of meeting your objectives. Record you determinations and then convey your preferences to life companions.   

NOW THERE IS AN EASY WAY FOR YOU TO COMPOSE A RECORD OF YOUR WISHES, thereby providing loved ones with a valuable instrument of guidance to use when needed.  Instead of accessing a pre-planning form limited to headings and requiring substantial writing, you have the simple option of completing a questionnaire.  

A COMPREHENSIVE QUESTIONNAIRE IS AVAILABLE HERE AS A FREE PRE-PLANNING TOOL, either for completing online or for downloading.  Fill out your own and ask others among your close companions to do likewise.  Print the record/s of responses and then you’ll have a tangible means for communicating content.  The document/s can serve as a springboard for discussion.  That way, your life partner or close companions will be sure to know what you are thinking.  And you will have prepared a gift of incalculable worth… an informative resource to store somewhere for future reference.  

 

QUESTIONNAIRE

 

A CONSUMMATE PRE-PLANNER

 A “FINGER IN THE PIE”

While gathering material for the book I was writing, I spoke to a funeral director who related his vivid recollections of a pre-planned memorial affair.  Here is his story, as excerpted from Pondering Leaves:  Composing and Conveying Your Life Story’s Epilogue: 

A Michigan pre-planner from a conservative, religiously oriented town steeped in tradition chose to "stray from the beaten path."  Though, in deference to family needs, a church Mass preceded his social reception, he had only cared about having an elegant wine and cheese cocktail party that would mimic one he had attended for the opening of an antique shop.  With passionate zeal, this consummate gentleman, who had been reputed for his fabulous dinner parties, planned every single detail of the pre-funded event that he envisioned, including the brand of whiskey, type of mustard, and placement of design elements.  As a window dresser for a department store, he had an artistic flair that directed him toward an Asian theme, with bird of paradise floral arrangements to complement it.  He wanted all of the townsfolk to feel welcome, so when he wrote his own obituary he included an open-ended invitation to this two-hour event.  Upon his death, the funeral director used the man's handwritten notations to implement arrangements.  Though about one hundred people were expected to attend, three hundred showed up, and they had such a good time that it was in full swing for six hours.  There were no memorial tributes at this one.  It was all about an occasion graced by ambience that epitomized the spirit and the style of this individual. 

Instead of shying away from pre-emptive involvement in his own end-of-life proceedings, this man embraced an opportunity to assume the director’s role.  Rather than allowing a default mode whereby family or a funeral director would determine details for an affair, he picked up the reins by specifying precise intentions so that those folks would be able to execute them seamlessly.  And, besides enjoying a sense of control over an aspect of life generally regarded as uncontrollable, probably he had a great time throughout the decision-making process!

I bet if someone writing a book asked the man’s guests if they had ever witnessed a novel memorial affair, this one would come to minds instantly and be relayed enthusiastically.  Undoubtedly, the man is remembered for his prescient pre-planning.  

So how about you?  Can you fathom having a hand in some aspect of your final proceedings?  If you at least allow yourself to think about it, ideas may pop around in your mind like a bag full of kettle corn in a microwave.  Find your comfort zone on the notion continuum… from a single, incidental element to a broad spectrum of detailed arrangements. You’re apt to feel a sense of engagement and empowerment that may motivate you to keep thinking and notating throughout the rest of your life. And you may even discover why there’s “fun” in the word “funeral.”