GRIEVING OF YOUTH

MENDING BROKEN TIES OF YOUNG LIVES

Childhood and adolescent phases ordinarily present challenges specific to one’s age.  A death in the family can potentially wreck the momentum of maturational growth.  Without intervention, the added stress of coping with the demise of a parent, sibling, or other pivotal figure in a young person’s life can threaten stability and interfere with the progression from one developmental stage to the next.  

A long time ago, when illness, death, and funeral proceedings all took place in home environments, children were on hand and part of what was going on, enabling them to interpret the end of life as a natural passage.  At some point, though, as funeral homes became the central sites for final affairs, young people were shielded from direct contact with the realities of life endings.  The general attitude was that they should be protected from the pain of loss. Their awareness of death was thwarted and their reactions intentionally minimized.  Circumvention of attention to emotional manifestations was considered justifiable based on assurance that, as resilient children, the kids would be able to bounce back from any trauma they suffered due to it.  

Modern psychology has reversed that stance.  Instead, a focus on childhood and adolescent grieving stems from a belief that they should have direct contact with matters of death and learn effective ways to cope with the loss it incurs.  This contemporary viewpoint has led to a substantial array of resources to support young people in navigating through the emotions of separation they now can face head-on, under the supervision of trained professionals cognizant of varying needs characteristic of particular age groups.   

The National Alliance for Grieving Children serves as a nationwide resource for providers and anyone seeking awareness of suggested support measures.  Professionals can use it as a forum for sharing ideas and information for implementation in their respective communities.  Online education is a core aspect, in addition to the network’s hosting of an annual symposium, maintenance of a national database of children's bereavement support programs, and promotion of endeavors to enhance public sensitivity to the issues impacting grieving children and teens.   

As a sign of the times, often funeral homes cater to the death-related imperatives of children belonging to the families they serve.  Many have playrooms.  

Photo Site:  Anderson-McQueen Funeral Home, St. Petersburg, FL

Designated staff members may be trained to fulfill roles geared toward helping youngsters understand death while enabling them to be active participants during proceedings, in age-appropriate ways.  Sometimes funeral directors offer tours of their facilities for groups of children; the objective is to demystify death through exposure to the setting while enabling absorption of factual information in the absence of emotional entanglement.  

Throughout the nation there are initiatives tailored to meet the needs of bereaved young people and to help keep them on an even keel developmentally.  Effective approaches are promulgated through books, articles, presentations, and other means of communicating insights chronicled by way of empirical data and scientific studies.  Often schools are involved as liaisons, where staff glean competence via presentations and other tools.  A focus on remedial measures to help grief-stricken young people has become a specialty.  Training programs for personnel, participating adult volunteers, and peer support groups provide an educational backbone for these helpers’ engagement.

Children and teens confronted by personal losses come together in a variety of settings where they have the benefit of integrating with others in similar situations.  In contrast to peer interaction within school environments, here in safe havens they are free to talk openly about death without feeling self-conscious or distancing themselves from classmates aversive to the topic.  The potential for a sense of isolation is offset through the camaraderie of social synergy with one another amid interactive activities.   

An impressive array of programs and facilities includes weekend or full-time grief camps as well as dedicated physical centers.  Sometimes animal assisted therapy is employed, forging therapeutic partnerships with pets or other animals to enable more spontaneous communication.  As an alternative to traditional counseling sessions, equine therapy affords hands-on contact with horses through various programs around the country.  

Possibly more so than ever, the unique needs of bereaved youth are being recognized and addressed these days.  Under the guidance of compassionate comrades, those who have encountered a life-changing loss are being handled with care.  Through insightful interventions, they journey from the darkness of death toward restitution and fundamental reabsorption in accustomed lifestyles, yet ones that will never be quite the same.  

Time will tell if such restorative regimens for today’s young folks will impact their attitudes toward death as adults.  Maybe in this “death-phobic” society they will be better equipped to confront matters of mortality more comfortably than the current population of adults – including those who may have experienced deaths of significant others during their childhoods.  If that turns out to be the case, then even in the absence of loss, perhaps death education initiatives for all children and adolescents could help generate attitudes of acceptance.  

National Alliance for Grieving Children

HOME FUNERAL GUIDE

JOURNEY JOURNAL... Cape Cod, Massachusetts

HELPING HANDS

It’s not a cemetery with physical vestiges beneath the ground, but, more conspicuously, a room filled with hands.  The room is in a house on Cape Cod, situated in a picturesque West Falmouth neighborhood. 

The hands are not grotesque.  Rather, they are meaningful symbols representative of the principles and practices of Heather Massey, a home funeral guide and educator.  In fact, the name of her education and consulting services, “In Loving Hands,” sums up the basis of her hands-on ministrations – lovingly guiding families who want to learn about caring for their own life companions upon death.  

A massage table that’s the central feature of her training room is used for demonstrations, but has also been occupied by individuals for whom she provides integrative massage therapy.  Her bodywork practice incorporates various physical approaches coupled with subtle energy elements and verbal components.     

The diverse sorts of hands in this room are captivating, compelling curious exploration.  They decorate the environs in all shapes and sizes, lining the walls on bookshelves and colorfully accenting the windowsill.  A  large one that’s configured as an abbreviated chair even implores an onlooker to come and have a seat.  Through the years, the collection of hands has grown, thanks in part to contributions of others who know about it.  

Festooning the wall are varieties accented with a heart in the open palm of each hand.  Different cultures assign their own meaning to the combination.  In Shaker tradition, as a nod to its founder, it represents the ideology of a simple life of hard work and spirituality, putting one’s hands to work and hearts to God.  The Amish have a similar interpretation, regarding it also as a symbol of welcoming and friendship. Among others, it overtly implies healing by means of caring hands.

The most inclusive interpretation may simply be the symbolism of an open hand as a signal that “I am here for you.”  Those simple words encapsulate the attitude motivating the physical and educational provisions of Heather's “In Loving Hands” focus, reflecting “service with love and integrity.”  

Heather Massey contact:  inlovinghandshomefunerals@gmail.com, 508-457-1612

GRIEF CENTER: THE CHILDREN'S ROOM

Journey Journal... Arlington, Massachusetts

HOPE LIVES HERE

Where is there calm during the storm, amid the swirling sea of emotions and turbulent upheaval of a child submerged in the heartache of loss?  Where is there rehabilitation for young souls broken by the incomprehensible impact of a loved one’s death?

It happens in a cheerfully appointed yellow house.  Although The Children’s Room originally began as a room for this purpose, nowadays it comprises multiple rooms within a yellow-painted, vintage house on Massachusetts Avenue in the Boston suburb of Arlington.  This non-profit organization provides grief support for children and teens between the ages of three and eighteen, along with their families.    

Here, festering thoughts and feelings are released from imprisonment of silent rumination… where they can be safely verbalized and acknowledged… where non-verbal vehicles of expression permit their articulation and conveyance… where mindful clarity promotes healing.

Here, uncharted minds wandering aimlessly and alone in foreign territory are given a voice… to acquire a sense of direction for getting back on course… to learn the language of orientation in a transformed and bewildering environment… to gain stability within unfamiliar districts of an unforeseen destination.

This is where a legion of community thrives… where flourishing connections displace isolation… where perspectives are shared among others similarly thrust into a chasm of the ultimate deprivation… among those whose life ties have been severed by mortal endings… brought together in a milieu where disengagement due to vanished familial kinships yields to a fortifying convergence of kindred spirits.

This is where the agitation of death surrenders to peace.

The nature of the building in which this facility functions imparts a homey atmosphere. A first-floor gathering room invites relaxation.  Family members congregate here before children separate for age-appropriate activities upstairs.  Meanwhile, parents remain downstairs for engagement in support groups. 

     

A reading nook adjacent to the front door is equipped with resources. 

Upstairs, floor pillows in circular arrangements set the stage for verbal communication and interactive exercises among young participants.  A Tibetan Singing Bowl is a central feature, used during group sessions as a signal to mark beginnings and endings.  Sound from the vibrating rim of the bowl fades gradually, invoking an aura of quiet relaxation. 

Trained professionals on staff implement targeted activities designed to stimulate expressions among participants. Methods of art, music, play, and poetry are among the tools employed to encourage exploration of feelings, acknowledgement of grief, sharing of memories, and attention to personal needs.

As one of the simplest signature items of childhood paraphernalia, a ball is accoutered with words to evoke responses.  Each time it is tossed to someone, the recipient answers the question or completes the sentence written on the spots touched by one’s fingertips.   

Perceived desertion predictably may invoke feelings of frustration, anger, and aggressive impulses.  Such reactions can be safely channeled in a padded room dominated by a dangling punching bag. 

Reposing in a corner, a non-judgmental teddy bear watches the action, primed and ready for hugging at any time. 

Activities vary according to their relevance for particular age groups.  A group of young children may tap a treasure trove of outfits for fantasy dressing up or may act out scenarios within the confines of a dollhouse.  In typically adolescent style, teens can hang out on the third-floor, uppermost attic region of the house, away from intrusions of more juvenile influences. 

Relevantly created words on cards are situated under a transparent overlay on a game table. 

Artistic expressions are a pivotal part of healing initiatives in this setting.  A room designated for such pursuits is well appointed with supplies.

Some pieces, individually constructed, become part of a collective project.

Even outdoors, tokens of loving memory adorn the property.

Scheduled tours of the building occur monthly in addition to arranged group visits.  Fee-based workshops and topic-specific training sessions are available for professionals, as are individual consultations to address a particular child’s or family’s needs.  The focus of an eight-week Parent Education Series deals with coping strategies for folks raising children while grieving.  Individual family (adult) consultations can be arranged, too.  An internship program enables undergraduate and graduate students to delve into the practical realities of facilitating grief support programs.

Though primary objectives are fulfilled on the premises, services also are provided beyond the boundaries of this building.  Community presentations coupled with newspaper publications raise awareness.  Through visits and phone contacts, information about resources and referrals is relayed to teachers and counselors who work with grieving children.  Literature suggestions are noted on The Children’s Room website, as well as a regular newsletter.  An annual three-mile  “Memories Walk” engages participants who wear a T-shirt with the name of the personally significant loved one on the back of it; afterwards, there is a program with food and entertainment.    

Collegial interaction at The Children’s Room is based on a model of peer support.  Community volunteers provide a foundation of manpower as facilitators of support group sessions.  They are prepared through a fee-based, six-week program of training, after which they may be selected and assigned to a group that is under the supervision of a staff member.    

Volunteer opportunities extend beyond such core commitments, though. Individuals can contribute labor for a few hours during regularly scheduled Garden Volunteer Days, when the progressively developing landscape of their “Hope Grows Here” garden is tended.  People may also be in a position to spread the word about the organization in public settings.

Fundraisers offer other options, as well, either by groups or through individual involvement.  Bolstered by contributions, a cadre of staff members (as a “Miles and Memories Marathon Team) participates as runners in the Boston Marathon, each in memory of someone personally significant.  Tribute and memorial gifting can be a meaningful gesture for financial support.  Cars may be donated via the Donate For Charity website, identifying this venture as the chosen recipient of proceeds.   

Monetary and material support is critical for operations.  Primary services are provided at no cost, so reliance on contributions and supplemental sources of income is essential.  Two thirds of income is generated by individual donations, complemented by funding for the additional third from foundations and corporations.

Certain types of tangible contributions are welcomed, as well.  Businesses’ gift cards for food and household necessities are among them, as are art supplies, blank journals, and relevant library books. 

Families tend to continue in the program as recipients of support for one to three years.  After that, parents may maintain connections through the facility’s Parents Alumni Group.  Sometimes the young people get on board again, especially as teen volunteers.    

This place… this beacon of hope inspired by experiences of death, resonates with vigor.  It is alive with color, works of art, cozy appointments, and flowering garden beds outdoors.  Staffed by a cadre of professional bereavement specialists, it bespeaks possibilities… for comforting support, personal growth, and acclimation to loss.  It is an impressive way to address depressing circumstances of youthful bereavement, engendering restoration of health and happiness. 

PRE-PLANNING GESTURES

LOVE NOTES

February is American Heart Month.  We are enveloped in the color red and surrounded by manufactured items symbolic of love.  Expressions of appreciation for our cherished life companions are communicated through many of these stereotypical means. 

But have you thought outside of the heart-shaped candy box?  Might there be an especially meaningful and eternal way to declare your love for someone? In the context of contemplating end-of-life arrangements, thoughts turn to ideas for providing measures of support for loved ones who will need bolstering and a sense of connection at the time of one’s death.   

Sometimes such connections are established through recognition of material goods imbued with lifetime significance.  As a guest blogger for the AARP blog, Joan Marams Dim recounted her experience of mindfully observing residual items from her husband’s life. Certain features of these ordinary belongings revealed surprising characteristics of this man, Stuart, with whom she had lived for fifty-one years.  His death had occurred after a decade of dealing with cancer. 

In the midst of rummaging through assorted leftovers, Joan discovered unexpected multiples of toiletries and office supplies, along with articles of clothing that reminded her of circumstances associated with them.  Probably the most stunning revelation was a computer message the preeminent organizer in the family had left for her. 

Stuart had covertly bestowed upon his wife a detailed schedule for household management, thereby enabling her to sustain a routine of attending to specific tasks.  Among the messages were:  “Please water the blueberry bushes”…”Please pick the tomatoes”… “Time to turn the mattress and change the water filter in the refrigerator.  Thanks.”  A few days before quarterly taxes were to be mailed, Joan was reminded by her absent husband to mail them; the forms had already been filled out, and the signed checks were ready to be placed in the stamped envelopes. 

Some readers might interpret this type of terminal behavior as obsessive.  But let’s look at the other side of the coin.  Here was a man whose characteristic attention to detail prompted him to exhibit a characteristic form of support for his wife.  It was his way of preparing for death.  It was his way of being by his wife’s side afterwards. 

So what might be your own style for offering preemptive practical support for family members?  Consider digging through your piles of photos to extract the ones you would choose for an obituary notice, an online memorial site, or a display at a commemorative event.  Compile a list of biographical data, a process that could potentially compound the stress of grieving folks upon whose shoulders the task would otherwise fall.  Can you imagine the utter chaos of recovering computer files if passwords were not readily available?  Or what if household paperwork was scattered and inaccessible?  Neglect could easily set the stage for a nightmare scenario. 

Of course, there is so much beyond the basics that a wise and loving planner could offer.  It might be in the form of a list of household or general management tasks that will have to be addressed upon death, allowing for efficient delegation of them to individuals who want to be involved.  Or it might be a suggested list of bereavement resources, enabling awareness and acquisition when the paralysis of sorrow feels overwhelming. 

But whatever type of assistance you choose to provide ahead of time, do it your way.  Think of Stuart, and do it in a manner that will connect your persona to beloved family members. Let them feel the embrace of your helping hands reaching out to them from heaven.     

                  AARP BLOG:  "Losing A Partner – and Finding It Hard to Let Go"