February is American Heart
Month. We are enveloped in the
color red and surrounded by manufactured items symbolic of love. Expressions of appreciation for our cherished
life companions are communicated through many of these stereotypical
means.
But have you thought outside
of the heart-shaped candy box? Might
there be an especially meaningful and eternal way to declare your love for
someone? In the context of contemplating end-of-life arrangements, thoughts
turn to ideas for providing measures of support for loved ones who will need
bolstering and a sense of connection at the time of one’s death.
Sometimes such connections
are established through recognition of material goods imbued with lifetime
significance. As a guest blogger
for the AARP blog, Joan Marams Dim recounted her experience of mindfully
observing residual items from her husband’s life. Certain features of these
ordinary belongings revealed surprising characteristics of this man, Stuart,
with whom she had lived for fifty-one years. His death had occurred after a decade of dealing with
cancer.
In the midst of rummaging through
assorted leftovers, Joan discovered unexpected multiples of toiletries and
office supplies, along with articles of clothing that reminded her of circumstances
associated with them. Probably the
most stunning revelation was a computer message the preeminent organizer in the
family had left for her.
Stuart
had covertly bestowed upon his wife a detailed schedule for household
management, thereby enabling her to sustain a routine of attending to specific
tasks. Among the messages
were: “Please water the blueberry bushes”…”Please
pick the tomatoes”… “Time to turn the mattress and change the water filter in
the refrigerator. Thanks.” A few days before quarterly taxes were
to be mailed, Joan was reminded by her absent husband to mail them; the forms
had already been filled out, and the signed checks were ready to be placed in
the stamped envelopes.
Some readers might interpret
this type of terminal behavior as obsessive. But let’s look at the other side of the coin. Here was a man whose characteristic
attention to detail prompted him to exhibit a characteristic form of support
for his wife. It was his way of
preparing for death. It was his
way of being by his wife’s side afterwards.
So what might be your own
style for offering preemptive practical support for family members? Consider digging through your piles of
photos to extract the ones you would choose for an obituary notice, an online
memorial site, or a display at a commemorative event. Compile a list of biographical data, a process that could
potentially compound the stress of grieving folks upon whose shoulders the task
would otherwise fall. Can you
imagine the utter chaos of recovering computer files if passwords were not
readily available? Or what if household
paperwork was scattered and inaccessible?
Neglect could easily set the stage for a nightmare scenario.
Of course, there is so much
beyond the basics that a wise and loving planner could offer. It might be in the form of a list of household
or general management tasks that will have to be addressed upon death, allowing
for efficient delegation of them to individuals who want to be involved. Or it might be a suggested list of bereavement
resources, enabling awareness and acquisition when the paralysis of sorrow
feels overwhelming.
But whatever type of assistance
you choose to provide ahead of time, do it your way. Think of Stuart, and do it in a manner that will connect
your persona to beloved family members. Let them feel the embrace of your
helping hands reaching out to them from heaven.
AARP BLOG: "Losing A Partner – and Finding It Hard to Let Go"
